


Fire Emblem Three Houses: Seasons of Fusion

by Chronos_X



Series: Headcanons (2016-) [20]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Bernadetta von Varley is sensitive to criticism, Byleth is so done with everyone's crap, Detention, Dragon Ball References - Freeform, Female My Unit | Byleth, Ferdinand von Aegir gets roped into crazy schemes, Fodlan is doomed, Garreg Mach Monastery (Fire Emblem), Garreg Mach Monastery is a madhouse, Garreg Mach Officers' Academy (Fire Emblem), Have a nice day, Horrified Byleth is horrified, I have created a monster, Ignatz Victor holds a grudge, Linhardt von Hevring being sassy, Linhardt von Hevring has no chill, Linhardt von Hevring is a mad scientist, Linhardt von Hevring makes people cry, Lorenz Hellman Gloucester gets roped into crazy schemes, Male My Unit | Byleth, My Unit | Byleth Has Emotions, My Unit | Byleth Twins, Pre-Timeskip | Academy Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Sarcastic Linhardt von Hevring, Seteth is getting too old for this crap, Terrified Seteth is terrified, Use of Potara Earrings or Fusion Dance, What if Fusion was a thing in Fire Emblem, What-If, Where's Lady Rhea when you need her?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26494297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chronos_X/pseuds/Chronos_X
Summary: Also available at https://www.deviantart.com/chronos-x/art/Fire-Emblem-Three-Houses-Seasons-of-Fusion-854961381.Dragon Ball Super: Twilight of Gods I - https://archiveofourown.org/series/1466320
Series: Headcanons (2016-) [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1635487
Kudos: 1





	Fire Emblem Three Houses: Seasons of Fusion

Fire Emblem Three Houses: Seasons of Fusion, by Chronos-X

Linhardt: Happy birthday, Ferdinand and Lorenz.

Ferdinand: It is not my birthday.

Lorenz: It is not my birthday, either.

Linhardt ( _utterly deadpan_ ): Happy unbirthday, then.

( _Linhardt hands the pair a small, velvet-felt box, which Ferdinand opens. It contains two orange, circular-shaped earrings_ ).

Ferdinand: Uh, Linhardt...

Lorenz: These are earrings.

Linhardt: Do you realize what this means?

Ferdinand: You are subtly deriding my manhood?

Lorenz: You are terrible at exchanging gifts?

Linhardt ( _yawns_ ): It means your eyesight is working perfectly. Therefore, you don't need glasses. They're such an inconvenience. Isn't that right, Ignatz? 

( _An irritated Ignatz walks nearby, scoffs, leaves without a word_ ).

Ferdinand: What is the matter with him?

Lorenz: Linhardt offered one negative criticism too many about Ignatz's art. The poor lad has been in a rather foul mood ever since.

Ferdinand ( _to Linhardt_ ): You cannot be serious! Such conduct is unbecoming of a noble!

Linhardt ( _shrugs_ ): I only said that his chosen color palette wasn't appropriate for his subject matter.

Lorenz: You said, and I quote... ( _Clears throat, mimics Linhardt's tone and mannerisms_ ). "This sunset requires an auburn hue rather than amber. An amateur mistake, if I ever saw one. For that matter, that's the dullest river I have ever gazed upon. It's almost as stiff and lifeless as your forest. It would do you a world of good to train under a master... if you can find one willing to overlook such glaring flaws, that is."

Ferdinand: So _that_ is why Bernadetta was so upset about her "dismal macramé skills" the other day.

Bernadetta ( _from her room_ ): He said my knotting was garbage!

Linhardt: I only said it looked like an armless sailor stitched it during a drunken escapade.

( _Bernadetta weeps uncontrollably_ ).

Ferdinand ( _stern_ ): You ought to refrain from meddling in other people's affairs, Linhardt.

Linhardt: [ _Why thank you for calling the kettle black, Ferdinand von Pot-Aegir_ ].

Lorenz: Indeed. Us nobles have most pressing duties. Making snide remarks about arts and crafts is not one of them.

Linhardt: [ _You're absolutely right, Self-Important Wife-Seeker with Ridiculous Hair_ ]. So what do you think of my gift?

Lorenz: Well, I...

Ferdinand ( _grabs one of the earrings, examines it_ ): What on Fódlan made you think such a gift would be suitable? These trinkets look like something Hilda put together on an off-day.

Hilda ( _from across a nearby room_ ): I have an axe and I'm not afraid to use it!

Linhardt ( _sighs_ ): Just try them on, will you?

Lorenz: Absolutely not. I refuse to pierce my ears.

Ferdinand: Do I look like a brigand or a low-born peasant to you? ( _Sees Dorothea walking nearby_ ). Good afternoon, Dorothea.

Dorothea ( _scowls_ ): Drop dead, Ferdie. ( _Leaves_ ).

Lorenz: Ouch.

Linhardt: You don't need to pierce your ears to wear them. ( _To Lorenz_ ). Clasp it to your left ear. ( _To Ferdinand_ ). Clasp it to your right.

Ferdinand ( _as he and Lorenz comply_ ): Is there any particular reason w...?

( _A screaming Ferdinand gets cut off as his body flies toward the hysteric Lorenz. Both noblemen crash into one another, disappear in a flash of blinding light as the Eisner twins and Seteth make the scene_ ).

Female!Byleth ( _furious_ ): Linhardt von Hevring! What on Fódlan do you think you're doing!?

Linhardt ( _nonchalant_ ): Just conducting an experiment, Professor Balam.

Male!Byleth ( _vexed_ ): With stolen materials from the Crest Vault.

Seteth ( _ditto_ ): You have been warned several times about this, Linhardt. We have no choice but to...

Linhardt ( _uncharacteristically enthusiastic_ ): Here it comes!

( _The light dissipates. Instead of Lorenz and Ferdinand, there stands..._ ).

???? ( _in a posh, overbearing accent_ ): We are Ferdinand-Lorenz Hellman von Aegir-Gloucester! You non-nobles may call us Ferdrenz! We are noble! Everything we eat, drink, see, feel, hear, touch, say and do is noble! Our stool is noble! Our sweat is noble! We shall nobly save noble Fódlan like the noble we are! Did we mention we are noble?

Balam/Byleth ( _collective anime sweat-drop_ ): Oh boy...

Seteth ( _utterly terrified_ ): Dear goddess...

( _The noble group nobly watches in ignoble horror as noble Ferdrenz nobly offers unsolicited noble advice, nobly helps people in their noble time of noble need, whether they nobly want them to or not, nobly organizes a noble jousting/tea drinking tournament to choose a noble woman noble enough to be their noble wife, nobly charges into noble battle quoting a certain noble dank meme, etc._ ).

Linhardt ( _swallows hard_ ): I think I went a little too far this time. ( _Seteth, Balam and Byleth stare sourly_ ). Don't look at me like that. It should wear off in an hour, maybe two... that is, assuming I gave them the Super Earrings instead of the Z-Earrings. Probably should've studied them a bit more carefully. ( _Sweats, chuckles awkwardly, sighs_ ). Right. Detention. See you there.

( _Linhardt leaves. The trio stares in awe as the noblest of fusions wreaks havoc all over Garreg Mach..._ ).


End file.
